2016: My year to Pursue

My word for 2015 was Purpose. I had decided on NYE to keep that same word for this new year and continue in my quest for Purpose: to do everything with a purpose, for a purpose, and on purpose. But as I've been seeking rest and solace the past couple of weeks, I've decided to change the word that will define me this year.

My word for 2016 is Pursue. My heart's desire for this year is to be a pursuer of Godliness, happiness, fullness, family, rest, and purpose. In my tiredness and emptiness, I haven't been able to fully live, enjoy, or appreciate life. I've been consumed with certain responsibilities that have stolen my creativity. I'm doing so many things that I'm not passionate about, that it has taken me away from doing the things I AM passionate about. It's a tricky balance, one that I'm not managing very well. The balance I seek won't come overnight, but it will come.  Psalm 34:14 says to "Turn from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it."

If I want to truly heal this year, I must be a pursuer of all things good, true and holy. I must spend more time doing the things I'm passionate about, and less time doing those things which expend all of my emotional energy. I love teaching. I'm passionate about teaching, but sometimes the extra responsibilities that come with working in a school drain us from getting to actually be good teachers. If you've worked in a small school, you might know what I'm talking about--there are so many extra things we must involve ourselves in, we end up spending our time on those things and very little on what we actually love doing...teaching. I haven't quite figured out how to balance responsibility with passion, which is one reason I'm slowly burning out. Which is why I end up working 18-19 hour days and trying to survive on 5-6 hours of sleep per night.

This year I'm determined to pursue rest, balance, passion, happiness, and holiness. I hope that by pursuing these things, I can be a better me. A better teacher. A better wife. A better parent. A better friend.

Jeremiah 29:13 You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.

Pursue.

In the car again, on our way to the beach.

Outskirts of Lima, a city I love.

Christmas Day football in the park, our family tradition!

This season will end...eventually

I'm cranky. I'm irritable. I'm tired. I can't seem to get ahead. It feels like an endless season. It's like the movie, Groundhog Day, but not as entertaining.

When we decided that I would go back to work full-time so that we could afford for our kids to go to an International School here on the field, we knew it would be tough and tiring. What we didn't expect was that we would also be experiencing missionary burnout at the same time. Burnout is serious, you guys. It's debilitating and crippling because it doesn't allow for clarity or focus. Trust me, you cannot make good decisions in the midst of burnout.

We began feeling burned out last year, around January, it started as an extreme fatigue which led to a serious lack of motivation and irritability about even the little things. The crazy thing is that Jeff and I both began experiencing it at the same time...blessing or curse in itself, depending on the day. We began talking through how tired we felt, how unmotivated we felt,  and our basically "sick of everything" attitude. We prayed. We cried. We kept moving forward.  We asked friends to pray for us, and while we received much encouragement and positive thoughts from friends, the symptoms lessened, but the underlying issue still remained.  We were nearing the end of the school year, which for a teacher can be crazy, and while this certainly didn't help my fatigue, I knew we were heading to the States for our summer break to connect with family, friends, and supporting churches. I wanted the light at the end of the tunnel.  I wanted this season of stress to end. I don't know how you get through burnout other than leaving the field and seeking rest.

Unfortunately, we had already made commitments for this school year that wouldn't allow us to leave the field for an extended period of time or find true rest. We had just 5 weeks in the U.S. for our "furlough" and we knew going into it that we would not be rested when we came back to the field. If I can stop for a minute and plead with you to understand that furlough does not equal rest. Furlough is not a vacation. A short, 5-week furlough while traveling in the car for 5 weeks straight across the U.S. with 4 kids is not rest.  Is it fun? Yes, some of the time. Do we get to see more of the U.S. than other families? Yes, most of the time.  We catch up briefly (too briefly) with friends and family, but we stay in multiple houses and sleep in multiple beds. We pack and unpack multiple times, we stop at multiple rest stops and gas stations. We might laugh, read, listen to English radio stations, and soak in the beautiful country that we love and miss, but life decisions cannot be made in this inconsistent environment.  We are usually on a schedule that only allows for 1 flat tire, a few quick meals in the car, and checking into hotels after midnight, only to have to be on the road again by 6:30am.  I haven't even mentioned the financial implications of furlough. Woof.

Cue the end of the 5-week furlough and beginning of a new school year. We are not rested. I am still tired. I'm still irritable. I'm not in a healthy place and I'm struggling. I'm teaching nine K-8 Computer classes and two 6th and 7th grade English classes this year, and no, I can't seem to get ahead. This season of fatigue and fogginess has resurfaced, and I want to throw the towel in. I don't want to be in this season. It's kind of sucky.

I know there are people praying for us. Praying for me. I know that in my weakness, He is strong. I know in my heart what I don't feel in my body. I know that "God will make this happen for he who calls you is faithful." (I Thes. 5:24)  We've been on the field for 13.5 years; we are not newbies, we are not unfamiliar with burnout. I also know we are not in a healthy place and since something needs to change, we have decided, after speaking with our mission, that we need to return home (to the U.S.) for a year in what will be an attempt for Jeff to finish his Ph.D and for me to seek some physical, emotional, and spiritual renewal. I can promise you, this has not been an easy decision for us to make.  We have a high-schooler, two middle-schoolers, and one in elementary...they are not thrilled to be leaving their home, school, and friends for a year.  Life overseas can be fickle. It's a tricky place to be...needing a break, not getting a break, trying to make life-impacting decisions without having the mental capacity to even decide what to make for dinner after a 13-hour day. Are we coming back to Peru after our year in the States next year? We don't know. We can't make that decision right now.

So I ask myself, how can I find that place of hope here and now and keep moving forward? How can I finish strong? I'm trying to dig down into those deep places of my heart, the solid places that remind me WHO I belong to, and how much I'm loved.  The places that remind me that I do love my husband. Those places that remind me I do love to teach, and I do love Peru and the people I serve. The places my kids have touched with their laughter and love. That deep place where my soul sisters live...the friendships that encourage me, love on me, lift me up, and help me set one foot in front of the other and keep walking. I've appreciated reading about fellow soul sisters who are living and raising families overseas at http://www.alifeoverseas.com/. I am not alone and I find deep comfort in that. I am not my emotions. I may be exhausted and want to throw the towel in, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  I am brave and strong. I am loved. I will cling to the hope that this season will end...eventually.

Are you in what seems to be a hopeless and endlessly long season of life? What are you clinging to? Who are you seeking out to walk this journey with you?

A friendship overseas--it's worth the risk.

Bethany and I weren't best friends.  We didn't call each other everyday, we didn't share clothes, we didn't even swap recipes. I hadn't even known her very long, not long enough to even know what her favorite color was.  What Bethany and I did do was go antiquing in the too-expensive and too crowded antique markets of Lima.  We bonded over a good cup of coffee in the German cafe.  We laughed about funny things at the Peruvian markets, and most of all we mutually encouraged each other in our quest to be better wives and moms...in the occasional times we got to see each other.

You see, friendship on the mission field has its own definition. You leave behind what is familiar and enter into a world that is not your own.  Where your besties are worrying about mortgages and waiting lists for daycare, where you can get any grocery item your heart desires at almost any hour of the day, you are trying to embrace the fact that to put beans into a recipe, you have to soak them overnight and then cook them all day.  Gone are the days of quick meals.  You leave behind people who you grew up with and perhaps know your inner most fears and joys.  You try to embrace a new community where you have to introduce yourself a hundred times and decide if you want to love hard, knowing that you will probably have to say goodbye when that person leaves the field and moves to another location.

I met Bethany at a baby shower for the PE teacher's wife.  We instantly clicked and sat together.  We laughed about having 3 kids under the age of 4--laughed because we knew at any moment we could cry. We talked about how her oldest and my youngest would be in Kindergarten together and "why don't we go ahead and just arrange the marriage now". Crazy enough, on this day we even had the conversation about meeting new people and whether it was worth the effort to make friends in the ever changing mission/expat community where goodbyes happen every day.  We both decided it was worth the risk.

When Jeff and I sat with Dave & Bethany at our staff Christmas party last month, we were at a small, wobbly table for 2...and there were 6 of us.  We laughed that we were all crowded together having to hold our plates in our hands.  When we said goodbye that night, I was so excited that Bethany and Dave would get to head home for Christmas to see friends and family, what I didn't know was that they would never come back.  Dave wrote an email to our staff after Christmas, the contents of which turned our world upside down.  Bethany had been diagnosed with breast cancer, and we should pray.  There were few details about the diagnosis, and even fewer about the prognosis.  I immediately sent Bethany a message on FB telling her how sorry I was and that our family would be praying.  She wrote back and asked me to "keep praying that I will stay positive and closer to God and fight this physically, spiritually, and emotionally."  That was on December 31st at 6:43am.  I wrote her again on January 2nd and never heard back from her.  I had no idea she was literally fighting for her life as the cancer had aggressively spread throughout her body.  I had no idea our Lord, in his Sovereignty would call her home just days later.

There are so many things I wish I had said and done while I had the chance.  I would have made more of an effort to get together. I would have recorded so many things that Sophia (my youngest) and Isaac (her oldest) talked about at school for us to laugh about.  I would have told her that I would train to run a race with her.  I would have swapped recipes.  I would have made those darn chicken enchiladas that Bethany had to make when I only had to bring chips.   I would have hugged her a gazillion times and thanked her for being faithful to the Call.

One of the funniest things that I will hold close to my heart is a conversation about how girls are stronger than boys. The simple story goes something like this...
Dave to me: "Isaac came home yesterday and told Bethany that Sophia had said that 'boys are stronger than girls'. Bethany was so fired up and told Isaac that 'absolutely not--girls are definitely stronger or as strong as boys'!!
Me: "What--we've never taught Sophia that--she has 3 older brothers though, so she probably just assumes that boys are stronger than girls. Don't worry--tell Bethany that I'll set Sophia straight!"

As I wrote to Dave on FB a few days ago, I've made him the promise that Sophia will grow up knowing that girls are stronger than boys.  She will know that Bethany was strong.  She will never let being a girl set her back--we will make sure Bethany's strength will not be forgotten.  It takes guts to live life overseas, it takes purpose, and strength, and it's a risk to love hard and fast.  As I look at Bethany's FB page and see the many pictures and memories people are posting, pictures from high school and college, pictures from Indonesia...I know that while we didn't have a long friendship, I would take that risk of investing in our friendship again and again.  A week of friendship on the mission field is really like 100 years of friendship.  I will always take the risk.  I hope our kids will too.

First day of school/last time at Peruvian preschool for Sophia!

USA school year: August-June
Peruvian school year: March-December

The boys started their second semester in February and Sophia started at her Peruvian preschool in March.  The difference is that the boys are still in the same school year, whereas Sophia started up a whole new year.  The weird thing is that she will only be in preschool until August when she will start Kindergarten at ICSL, the school where the boys attend.  So between August 2013 and August 2014 the kids will have 3 first days of school. :)  Awesome!

Arequipa, Peru

Who doesn't love a good road trip story!?  We left at 3am on a Saturday morning to drive to Arequipa, a city in southern Peru and the city where the two youngest boys were born.  About 5 hours into our trip, the car starts acting funny and refusing to shift gears.  Not a great thing when our total trip is about 13 hours and we are less than half way there.  We pull off in Nazca to look for some transmission fluid, but it's just before 8am so finding something that's open was a challenge...thankfully we located one little hole in the wall and the guy poured it in.  It took and we were off again.

Our entire trip was about 1,000 kilometers....at the 999th kilometer, our car overheated and refused to budge.  An entire day of coastal beauty, desert hills, passing large trucks and buses and then smoke started pouring out the engine.  We were so thankful that our friends lived right around the corner and we had made our entire trip without breaking down until the very end!!  Such a blessing!!

The car entered the shop, was able to be fixed (a hose had a hole burned in it), and two weeks later we were on our way back home.  The boys enjoyed a week of summer camp, playing with friends, and even some rain!! While Jeff enjoyed teaching a week long class at the Bible institute and I actually relaxed more than I had in years--I managed to finish reading 4 whole books!!!  Good times.

This guy is amazing with his mad Peruvian driving skills!

Squatted land.

There's not really an adequate caption for this...oh my goodness!!!

So much traffic to pass--super slow trucks.

Beautiful volcano Misti, overlooking AQP

Workers planting in the field.

Flying through the holidays and into 2014

We managed to soar through Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years without even pausing to take a breath.  The kids finished their semester just before Christmas and Jeff finished his school year the beginning of December...it was, without a doubt, the busiest 4 months we've had in years.  Between heading home on Home Assignment for 6 weeks of full-on "busy" and then coming back to Peru only to start school the day after our arrival, we hit the ground running.  Jeff taught 2 classes and I volunteered for various school functions, including co-planning the biggest fundraiser that the school hosts each year.  Now that we are well into 2014, well, at least 2 weeks into the new year, we've decided to slow down a bit. We'll see how well we do with that goal...

The ice cream lady waits outside for school to get out and then sells anything from popsicles to ice cream sandwiches.

I enjoyed being part of a Christmas Bazaar, selling some handmade ornaments, Christmas tags, and other crafts.

Packages wrapped in brown paper...I love this!

Sophia participated in a Christmas/end of the school year program--as a little Flamenco dancer! 

New Year's Eve...fireworks light up the entire city for at least 20 minutes straight!

We started a new New Year's Eve tradition...grilling pizzas on the balcony and then eating s'mores!

Our new foreign exchange student...aka the teenage boy

So we are now hosting a foreign exchange student, we've had him since October 25th, and he comes from the land of teenagers.  Seriously, people, this new thing called "teenager" is like having a foreign person in my home.

Now I've always felt fairly secure in my parenting skills, not always encouraged or perfect by any means, but at least feeling some semblance of control as a parent.  This new phase has thrown every confidence I might have gained over the years, right out the window.  All of a sudden my teen boy enters the house and in walk snarky attitudes, forgetfulness, moodiness, face book, girl craziness, and oh, did I mention moodiness??  I thought we'd at least ease into this stage, you know month by month I'd have the wherewithal to tackle these new attitudes one at a time...but it literally happened overnight.  Bam.  I have a teen.

Remember those book titles that you thought "someday" you would have to read?  Those well meaning people who mentioned this book and that as being helpful....well now I'm scrambling around trying to find that long forgotten book list like a woman in the path of a hurricane!

I had one of those moments this morning, where everything I wanted to tell him all these years just died a slow death in my head--and I realized it's time to tackle this new stage head on.  Because even though he is all of the aforementioned things (forgetful, moody, etc.) he is also still my sweet boy who is funny, smart, passionate, and dedicated to making a difference in the world.  I realize it doesn't have to be a negative, uncertain time in my life, and even though we've never walked this path as parents, he's never been a teenager before either.

I want to embrace this phase because I choose to do so.  I want to stay focused on helping my teenage boy make good choices.  And most of all I want to encourage a rich relationship that will last until I'm gone.  So while yes, he still seems foreign to me most days, it's not necessarily a bad thing. :)

Winter wife vs. Summer wife

Yes, I admit it...I can easily sum up my life in two separate personas--on any given day I am either the winter wife or the summer wife.  There is no gray area here, no middle ground.  I am one or the other.  I do not ride the fence on any of these points, I'm on one side or the other.  You may be wondering how a woman can be so easily defined, must be heaven for her husband, you are thinking. Though I may waffle between being winter wife or summer wife...I can say with conviction that I'm slowly learning to wear both seasons with grace, mercy, and patience.

Winter wife.

Winter in Lima gets down to about 60 degrees. I hear what you are saying, "Oh poor you, how terrible that you have to suffer so." and I agree, 60 degrees doesn't sound so awful.  However, with an average of 88% humidity, overcast skies 95% of the time, and no insulation in the cement walls of my house...winter wife finds the occasional moment to feel sorry for herself.  Winter wife also admits to wearing hoodies, socks, and fleece pants to bed.  At the same time.  For weeks on end.  I might also add that winter wife does not shave her legs.  It doesn't matter how hot that shower is, the minute the water stream stops--the temp inside the shower drops 25 degrees.  Winter wife begs for a small gas heater.  Winter husband wants to snuggle. Winter wife dreams of tropical islands and sipping brightly colored drinks with umbrellas in them.  Winter wife actually drinks copious amounts of coffee, tea, cocoa, and anything else she can hold in her hands to warm them.  Winter wife gets into bed and pulls the covers over her head to warm her nose.  She adds so many wool blankets to the bed that she finds it hard to turn over, get up, or heaven forbid, rush out to check on the children should a small animal be attacking them in the night.  Winter wife does not want to get up in the night, but suffers through the dark mornings to go for a run a couple of days a week...in shorts.

Now let me present Summer wife.

Summer wife wakes up and rejoices over the fact that the sun will be rising any moment.  She goes for a run anticipating the misty cloud cover because she is sure the sun will be out later.  Summer wife shaves her legs and starts wearing flip flops at the first hint of sunshine...even if her toes are actually turning blue from the cold. Summer wife knows at exactly what time the sunshine (if there is any) will come streaming through the windows in any room (Kitchen around 4pm, Sophia's room around 1pm, back patio between 11-1pm). Summer wife is more apt to agree on afternoon weekend outings to the beach, as opposed to staying home and staying warm.  Summer wife breaks out the sunglasses and wears them to take out the garbage...just because she can.  Summer wife smiles and dreams of tropical islands and sipping brightly colored drinks with umbrellas in them.  Then she makes a large jar of sun tea.  It's close enough.  Summer wife also wears shorts and a tank top while putting up her Christmas tree....did I mention I live in the Southern Hemisphere, while summer husband pines away for a cold day on the slopes. 

I have some summer kids and some winter kids...they appreciate one or the other, but seldom both.  Like their mom.  I know it's all a matter of perspective, and what I'm trying to learn through this self-seasonal evaluation is that regardless of the season, I need to live each day to the fullest whether I'm wearing a tank top or a parka.  Because one will end and one will begin...all year long.

If my mom tells me I'm a princess, then it must be true!

When Jeff and I chose to try for another little Krohn, we were blessed beyond belief to find out it was a girl!  Sophia has been the sweetness to our family, the light in our lives, and the touch of pink that we all needed.  Her brothers adore her and she adores each of them.  She makes us laugh, gives us that little taste of drama, and now I'm not the only one to leave long hair all over the house.

When we were planning for our Home Assignment, I had talked to my Mom and we decided an all-girls trip was in order...and we knew just the place!  Disneyworld!!  We lived, ate, and breathed princesses for 4 days straight and we'll never be the same. :)  I will admit there was a sense of entitlement after the trip was over, and it took a couple weeks to come down from the princess "everyone look at me and spoil me" platform...but it was worth every single princess wave!!